For those of you who know me well, you know that it is not very often I shed a tear in front of others. For those of you who REALLY know me well will remember the last time I lost control of my emotions and started crying. I remember exactly when it was the last time I had this feeling.
It was a little more than 4 years ago. I made it through her visitation, I made it through singing at her funeral but the burial was a different story. Surrounded by people I love and cared about it all of a sudden rushed over me. Like a tidal wave crashed into the shore with me on it. I couldn’t even hold myself up, it’s like my legs forgot how to do their job. My tear ducts forgot how to close up. And my pride forgot how to hold up. Luckily, there were people there that loved me more than anything. And they were there to catch me when my body gave way to the tidal wave. Now, more so than before, I realize the importance of being close to those kinds of people. So to the two of you (you hopefully know who you are), maybe this is way to late but thank you for being there to catch me that day and every day since then.
Today, I had another one of those moments. One of those moments where you even want to curse at God because in those moments, you have no idea where He is.
As per usual, my boys were acting out today. Standing up in the middle of lessons, shouting in the middle of lessons, trying to cheat on classwork, picking up pieces of the floor and throwing it at each other, rolling their eyes at me, talking back to me, you name it they probably did it. So I just decided to keep them after school and talk to them (once again) about the problems we are having and ways to address it. However even in a time of punishment, they would not stop talking to each other, throwing pieces of the floor at each other, sassing me, mocking me, etc. So without even a shred of force my body gave way to the tidal wave. I lost it. Amid the tears streaming down my face I told them I was contemplating leaving after Christmas, I told them that they not only disrespect me but they hurt me in a way that nobody else can. In the same breath I would tell them how much I care about them and how much I want to make things work but I cannot make this work unless they work with me. To be honest, I don’t remember much that I said because it all happened so fast.
I never thought children could push me to that point of grief, to that point of despair. But as I said before, there is a first time for everything.
That my mind would continue to be renewed every day. That no matter what, the day(s) before don’t affect my mind and my heart towards these children.