I am no expert on truth and love. But I do know these two things, however beneficial, can hurt more than you ever thought they could.
In my late middle school/early high school years I was in a very dark place. I mean spiritually, physically, emotionally, all of the above. I had gone through phases of not eating, then binge eating constantly, then repeat both of those. I self-mutilated for several years (more than I would like to admit on this blog). I had unhealthy relationships with anyone I could get my claws on (whether that was friendship or otherwise). I attempted suicide twice. I manipulated everyone around me. Then self-mutilated some more because I hated myself for being how I was. I ran away from God, and got involved with the dark side (not referring to Star Wars here!) Which, of course, led me to some intense spiritual battles. I hated God, I hated my family, I hated my friends (unless they also hated my family). But most importantly I despised myself and I despised love.
You have all heard of facing your demons. Well here are some demons I have been fighting the last 5 years of my life.
Demon of Self-Hate
Every new year for the last few years I have had one New Year resolution. That resolution is to work on loving myself. That resolution will continue this year. I have made some progress in this last year, but I still have so far to go.
Demon of Unworthiness
I am not just talking about being unworthy of God and His love, but being unworthy of having good friends. I even go so far as to tell myself that I am unworthy of having a good life.
Perhaps all my other demons can be tied to this one. In fact, I know they all can. That is why this is my number one resolution, not just at the beginning of the year but throughout the entire year. Every year.
Demon of Accepting Help
This one is pretty simple. I hate having other people help me in any way. I do not want anyone else paying for anything. I do not want any help working through my issues whether mental or physical. You can ask my Honduran roommates. I had been running a fever of over 102 degrees for over 12 hours and I did not ask for their help. I did not eat for the entire week and a half I was sick with Chikungunya, but did I ask for help? Absolutely not.
Demon of Self-Hate
Did I mention this one yet? Twice seems fitting since it plays a big role in my life. (See above)
Demon of Thinking I Have Any Control
This demon can take so many forms. One way this demon appears in my life is always needing to have a plan. I was contemplating going to grad school. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that! However, the only reason I want to go to grad school was to have a plan. To know exactly where I am going after this chapter of my life in Honduras ends. That is bogus. (OBVIOUSLY)
Another form is thinking that I can somehow control who hurts me. You see deep down (under all the fat jokes, and tough faces) I want to be healthy and thinner. But in my mind all I associate with being thin is unwanted attention. So I have built up my fat wall. If I remain fat, people will have to love me for my insides and not just my outsides so I can somehow weed out the bad candidates for friendships, dating relationships, etc.
But here is the straight up truth…
I get hurt anyway.
Remember that dark place I was talking about at the beginning? Well, even in the consuming darkness some light would shine in. This was done through some very special people in my life. To you, you know who you are…thank you.
However, one individual stood out more than any other. I never knew why back then. But it all makes sense now. He has succeeded at being the only human being that has been able to show me what true, unconditional love is. Without him in my life, I would never be able to understand the love God has for me. I love him so deeply, that it hurts. I was born to fall in love with him.
And he was born to break my heart. You see, the only way for me to understand God’s love for me (and how I am supposed to love God) was through this man. But in order for me to actually put that learned love into action in my faith, I needed this man to break my heart so I would pull him off the pedestal and place God there instead.
I am not sure that I am ready to say thank you for breaking my heart yet. But one day I will be. And I know that one day it will all make sense, and it will all be okay.
Because you see if there is one thing I know beyond a shadow of a doubt it is this: no matter how bad you are hurting, no matter how bad you are broken…it will be okay and life will go on.
That truth is wrecking me tonight, and it is wrecking me hard. This love is wrecking me tonight, and it is wrecking me hard. So, truth and love (no matter how beneficial) will hurt. But the hurt is only temporary.