Why do bad things happen to good people?
I remember this question plaguing me from the very beginning of my life, even before I turned my life to God. To be completely honest, I have yet to find an answer that completely rids my mind of being plagued by this question. The most suitable answer that I have come up with is that without the bad, we would not be able to appreciate the good. Without experiencing bad things, we would have no reason to put our trust in God, we would have no reason to have faith. Finally, because life just sucks sometimes. Thank you Adam and Eve!
However, when these bad things happen to any one of us we can choose to react in two different ways. We can choose to let these circumstances destroy us mentally, physically, and spiritually. We can choose to allow this bad thing to overtake our lives and destroy our well being. OR we can choose to take these bad things that life throws at us and use them to build us up.
So many times I hear people say to me, “Lynae you are one of the strongest people I know. After all you have been through, after all life has thrown at you…you are still standing and you are still fighting.” That response is not an inbred one, that is a learned response. I spent many years allowing myself to be the victim, allowing myself to be broken by the crap that I had thrown at me by life. Then gradually I became sick of being beaten up, so I started fighting like hell for my life.
That does not mean that bad things do not happen to me, or that bad things do not hurt me in any way.
A week ago at this time, I was driving away from a city in Honduras that is not my home here in Honduras. The Gringa teachers had (myself included) had traveled to Santa Rosa de Copan to celebrate a birthday. Friday night, I stayed in and slept at the hotel…after all I cherish my sleep above almost anything else! But Saturday night I decided to go out with the crew. The first place we went was somewhere I had been before (they have the BEST strawberry Daiquiris I have ever tasted!) and just sat and chatted as well as eating some delicious cheesy bacon fries.
After that, I do not remember anything from the night. These are all just pieces that have been thrown together by what my cohorts have told me. Some of us went to a couple other places that evening, and at the second place we went we had some drinks delivered to us from some anonymous person. These drinks were not meant for me, and they sat there untouched for quite awhile. But eventually after there were only a few of us left I drank one of the drinks. Turns out, it had been drugged.
I remember waking up Sunday morning in a Honduran public hospital. Waking up in any hospital is never pleasant, but this hospital experience was even less pleasant than most. After all, I am in a developing country. A week later, I am still waiting for the bruises and pains to go away.
This was a very bad thing.
As I have shared with most people who ask me how I am doing, I really do not want to be here any longer. Coming back after Christmas break, my attitude has been a big hurdle. I love my kids, but I miss my family terribly. The enemy knows that I do not want to be here and he is throwing these big hurdles in my path hoping that I will trip and fall. These are the times I know that I need to fight, and I need to fight hard.
I still do not even know how to begin dealing with this experience. Right now, I am simply trying to ignore it. How do you deal with something when your usual lifeline people are so far away? Nobody is here to give me a hug and hold me as I cry uncontrollably. All I want to do is vent and cry, but I have nobody to vent to because us teachers are all too close to this experience to be able to listen to each other without it ending up tearing both of us down. How do you allow yourself to be weak when you feel you have no option other than to be strong?
This is one of those times…I have to choose. Do I let this bad experience break me? Or do I let it build me up? I will always choose to let these experiences build me into a stronger person. But between now and then, I must allow God to carry the weight of this for me. As I begin to deal with this pain, these emotions little by little, I have to allow my only lifeline available to help me. So that is what I am doing.
On the way home from my weekend, this song came on my iPod…and even though I was in public I could not help but cry. God has a funny way of reassuring me exactly when I need it. As I listened, I caught a glimpse of me speaking about my year when I get home to the States, and singing this song went right along with it. Seems to fit this year perfectly. Take a listen. Not For a Moment (After All)