To the one who was supposed to love me.

Sitting at church tonight, I heard these distinct words…Sometimes in life those that are supposed to love you the most, are the ones that do not love you at all. This thought is something I have struggled with putting in to words most of my life.

God revealed this to me, and then put one of our students right next to me in church. It turns out, this student is going through the same thing. Except, his entire family has turned their backs on him and on God.

I spent the better part of my adolescence trying to get this ones love and affection. But slowly and surely as I was disappointed at each failed attempt to gain his love I became bitter, angry even. So much so that these last couple of years I have told myself that I hate him.

BUT that is exactly the opposite of how I feel. I love him so much that it pains me to not have a relationship with him. Since I have not been able to build that relationship I have been trying to use anger to push out my love for him.

I have tried to no avail over the years to figure out exactly where it all went wrong. Was it when he stuck up for me and got his teeth chipped? Was it the day I told them about the sexual abuse? Was it when I decided to become a Christian? Where did I go wrong, what did I do wrong?

The hardest part about all of this for me has always been that I have wanted nothing more in my life than to make him proud. Maybe, I have always looked up to him too much. Maybe I have tried to put him on a pedestal above God.

But for all of this pain and hardship, I am thankful. If this relationship in my life had never failed, I never would have needed to turn to God for the love. So, thank you. Although I am sure you will never read this, thank you. You forced me to grow up, to face life with no bumpers and no blinders. You have given me two reasons to live life to the fullest and never give up doing good.

So, to sum it all up…I forgive you and I hope someday you will forgive me also.

 

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